he's alcoholic

[depressed]

i just love this guy, he's my neighbour and i grew up near him but we never talked as he is like 15years older than i am and he was a teenager when i was a kid but still... as a kid i always thought he was cute... growing up, i've learned to observe and he seems lonely and i really want to be here with him....he's not married and sometimes i see him bring girls in his house but they never last long.... i'm not sure what to do.. sometimes i know he's drunk when he comes back from a night out.. i don't mean to spy on him but when i look from my window, i see him and i really want to help him look at me like the woman i am now, not that little clumsy kid anymore....

A friend told me about antabuse which is a medicine to help curb alcoholism.. i've read at http://www.drugdelivery.ca/s349-s-ANTABUSE.aspx that counseling would be good along... what do you think about i go to his house and start conversation like:

"hi, I live on the opposite street and i've sometimes noticed that you were drunk when you come back, i'm really concerned about your health and i'd like to help you... would you like to go to counselling with me?"

omg.. this seems so unreal. he'd never agree... how about..

"oh, hi... i've just baked some cakes and thought about bringing some... i hope you like it.. let me know how you find it..."

but it doesn't show that i like him, huh??

or maybe i should write:

"hi.. there's a party i've been invited to and don't really want to go alone, would you like to come along?" .... but everybody's going to be younger than him....


How do i approach a 35year old bachlor???? and *suspected* alcoholic????? He sings so well when he's drunk... oops... but he's really cute and i'd LOVE to date him..

[4anybody...]

First of all, i don't know all your life details of course, i wouldn't suggest dating a 35 year old, especially one who is a suspect alcoholic. The reason is 35yearolds are much more experienced than 20yearolds and could use you for personal pleasure without truly giving you support. (often, esp with older guys, the guy just has more experience dealing with women so he can make a young girl feel happy with little emotional involvement on his part). Also, if he's alcoholic, that means his actions can be very unpredictable and probably he has a few self-destructive ones (like drugs, drinking and driving, changing from job to job, sleeping around, etc)--long story short, no matter how nice they may seem, their life revolves around getting drunk and other selfish things. That's generally what you're in for, if you date an alcoholic. Maybe not at first, but when the new shine wears off, that's how it will be.

But who knows what his drinking habits are.

As for helping him to quit drinking:

all your ideas are good--i've known people to do similar things and changed their ways cuz of it--but u gotta realize:

The sad truth is, u can't get an alcoholic to quit drinking unless he wants to--but the fact is, most alcoholics don't want to

They say only 5-15% stop drinking

I have met ALOT of alcoholics in my life (cuz i had to quit drinking). There are some people (few) who drank all the time then were able to cut back. This is rare, esp. for people who've been drinking for over 15 years--they mostly cut back for a few years then end up at their excessive levels again.

Some (even fewer) quit drinking all together. They do this for various reasons--no 2 people are the same. Some people, have to lose EVERYTHING to quit drinking, their families, their house, their car, their jobs, their freedom (jail). On the other hand, some people can get 1 DUI and decide never to drink again--it all depends on the person.

BUT MOST ALCOHOLICS go thru phases of heavy drinking, light drinking, and quitting, over and over again thruout their lives. The fact is they crave alcohol all the time.

And when alcoholics quit drinking, it is very hard and they usually have to change their lifestyle and way of thinking--making them a different person from before.

This is not saying that alcohol is the worst thing the guy could be doing. I do think tho that a lot of people don't take it seriously enuff.


To end, I hope u don't want to get with this guy just cuz he's cute, you're comfortable with his presence, and he's nearby. I hope he meets some higher standards than what you described. He probably does, that's why you're attracted to him. BUT, you yourself said he might drink too much. THAT'S A HUGE RED FLAG. I hope you talk to older women who you personally know about this subject.

Sometimes its sad cuz I see girls all the time gettin w/ dudes who drink too much. And it rarely works out for the good. Cuz in the end, no matter how much the girl doesn't want to admit it, he'd rather get drunk than have her.

[4anybody...]

BTW, u can drink on antabuse. It hurts you physically and people have died from it, but people drink on it all the time.

And if he doesn't really know you that well, I wouldn't offer to take him to counseling right away, that might him think you are waaay stepping your boundaries. he might get defensive or angry.

If you don't know him that well, i'd say the best thing to do is leave some pamphlets in his door. And maybe try to just be friendly when u see him and not talk about his drinking really.

But please, don't play the role of the "woman who will save him". Give him a few bread crumbs, but let those lead to professionals. Alcoholics are notorious for finding "the nurturer" for a mate, she's the girl who's joy comes from taking care of someone. Problem is that she constantly gets stepped on and he brings her down with him.

[T-rade]

BTW, u can drink on antabuse. It hurts you physically and people have died from it, but people drink on it all the time.

Ánd some people grow immune to it!

I would try to talk to him,first of find out if he is an alcoholic, if he is, don't mess with him, which at first is a little risky, first off because you've liked him for so long, so you're expectations are a bit high, but also, as 4any said he can make you feel like he loves you because he is so much older than you!

My best advice is, talk to him and beware!

[ElCount]

I cosign 4any all day...

I can't speak much of this subject from personal experience, I'll just say that it seems your sporting a crush that should have long ended already, like you said yaself, you hardly know the guy and hardly ever talk to him. Don't be jumpin out the window for him already...

I'll also add that you said "sometimes i see him bring girls in his house but they never last long"

That alone is a good indication that your involvement with this man will leave you quite sorry in the end...These women can be all one night stands, or one week stands, or sympathy girls wanted to play the same role you wanted to play and got fed up with it.

I'ma quote 4any's last line again:
"But please, don't play the role of the "woman who will save him". Give him a few bread crumbs, but let those lead to professionals. Alcoholics are notorious for finding "the nurturer" for a mate, she's the girl who's joy comes from taking care of someone. Problem is that she constantly gets stepped on and he brings her down with him."

[T-rade]

I'ma quote 4any's last line again:
"But please, don't play the role of the "woman who will save him". Give him a few bread crumbs, but let those lead to professionals. Alcoholics are notorious for finding "the nurturer" for a mate, she's the girl who's joy comes from taking care of someone. Problem is that she constantly gets stepped on and he brings her down with him."

And those that doesn't "nurture" the alcoholic hurts him so much when they leave them... I overheard my dad (he's an alcoholic too) argue with his ex-wife (wife then) and my father is great with words and can construct any kind of arguement so it benefits him, but in this arguement he came completely short. He said one thing that really hit me hard: "Du siger kun du elsker mig når vi har sex" meaning: "You are only telling me you love me when we are having sex" and I know how much he loved her and he expressed it often, and when he said that to her i realized she never were as much into expressing her love for him as much as he were for her, so that one line made me really sad!

[wedo-syang]

"hi, I live on the opposite street and i've sometimes noticed that you were drunk when you come back, i'm really concerned about your health and i'd like to help you... would you like to go to counselling with me?"



LMAO!!!!


WTF is this?

A bitch comig to me talking like that, i'll slap the shit outta her especially one that's 15 years younger than me. DON'T DO THAT

And on the real you should maybe get a guy your age or atleast someone you don't know like that.

Because for the guy there will always be this picture of you as a kid since he's seen you growing up.

I can feel that since a girl out my neighbourhood wanted to date me, and she's only 5 years younger than me....this will never work, Makes you feel like a pedophil...

[KMD]

just start talking to him and get to know him better but don't mention about his problems at once, and later you'll make a decision

[judojustu]

I would say you shouldn't confront him about his possible alcohol abuse, he probably doesn't even know he has a problem. Don't even mention seeing him "alone" or is exuding lonesome symptoms.

If he's 35 yrs old and still a bachelor, he maybe not right for you.

Is he going to be committed?

Is he going settle down anytime soon?

Is he doing drugs w/ alcohol?

Look for a new man or someone close to your own age range. Forget him, you can't save someone who doesn't need help.